Updated January 2012
Special Link - Ed Porras' Gainesville Restaurant Listings:
http://www.nosoupforyou.com/
Tom's 6 Simple Rules for a good
restaurant
1. The food shouldn't suck.
2. The staff should
treat me like God.
3. Somebody should know something about what they
serve.
4. No spots on the glasses, utensils or plates.
5. I shouldn't
feel ripped off after I get the check.
6. Food should never resemble vomit.
Plate well and garnish. Would a piece of parsley kill
ya'?
[Don't like your review? Do better or get the fuck outta' here.]
Tom's Top 10 Gainesville
Restaurants
1. Paramount Grill
Chef Clif Nelson has
a magical aptitude for combining flavors. Artfully presented. Gainesville's
best. Nobody can cook a steak or fish like Chef Nelson. Great staff, with the ability
to be pretentious, casual, elegant, or charming depending on your desires and
attitude. The crab cakes are the best in town. Treat yourself! Specials regularly offered.
2. Amelia's
Authentic Italian in a cozy
setting. Great date restaurant. Go with the specials. See if the Chef
will make his special limoncello with dessert. Do yourself a favor and order the Prosciutto and Mozzarella. It is to die for. This is good clean food done right. No more, no less. Well, sometimes more. Chef Andy has a great website with a look at his newly remodeled interior, and even videos revealing one or two of his secret cooking techniques. He also happens to be the only Chef in Gainesville who will personally bring out a saxophone to play you 'Happy Birthday', but only if it's your birthday. He's pretty good too.
3. Manuel's Vintage Room
Fantastic intimate room with great food, great service, quality wine. If you're lucky, Manuel will be there and invite you to his table for a chat. He certainly will visit your table to make sure your experience is quality. His son, Chef Marco, knows the way. I recommend the Veal Piccata or anything that is the special. For a delectable treat, get the little pasta purses with pear and ricotta cheese in a remarkable butter herb sauce. Simply heaven!
4. Mark's Prime
Verging on perfect. The
steaks here can rival Gibson's in Chicago. À la carte and usually worth
the high price. And by high price, I'm talking fucking $40 bucks for an 8oz. À la carte filet. Jesus Christ. More power to them. Great fish selections too. They run a happy hour deal at 4pm with $5 quality drinks and $5 Hors d'oeuvres, including the best calamari imaginable; fresh, lightly breaded, and NEVER overcooked. You will taste what calamari is supposed to be when it is done to perfection. The bartenders are accomplished wizards who know how to properly prepare all the old-school drinks. (Except sours, which nobody properly prepares in Gainesville. Listen people: pasteurized egg whites with alcohol are totally fine. Nothing that makes you sick is going to live in such a concoction and make you ill or kill you. However, drinking some of those pre-made sour mixers with "foaming agent" just might!)
5. Sabore Restaurant
Hey man, watch out for this show stopper! Holy hyenas, Batman...here's how to do it. Sharing plates, tapas style, with flair. Properly cooked food with great ingredients, super atmosphere, fun bar, a floor that squirts and squishes with liquid art, bathrooms with artsy weird sinks...and a chef who's got the balls to put his name on the place (Chef William Hernandez). Had the stuffed olives (a little boring), the lobster ravioli (creamy packages of Heaven), beef carpaccio (hardcore), bacon-wrapped dates (Bacon? Date? How can you go wrong?), a fucking giant-ass Godzilla scallop cooked to perfection...I mean it just went on and on. Usually a giant menu is a sign you're going to get screwed somewhere, but in my experience at Sabore, I didn't get screwed, I was made love to. Go down there and get you some. "A splendid time is guaranteed for all. (P.S. Thanks Kim & Jack for this wonderful recommendation. Admittedly, this is in the unincorporated area, but well worth the short ride.)
6. The Top
Artsy. Indie. Punk. Oddly
sophisticated. Attitude. Great choices for vegetarians. Try the pesto gnocchi
or the encrusted tofu dish. Keep an eye out for Walter, the wonderfully gay
black asshole behind the bar at night. Want a great night of entertainment?
See if you can get his attention, order your drink and don't make small talk.
Then, sit and watch him work as he slices and dices his way through the
customer bullshit and reads patrons like a drag queen on steroids. It's a
hoot! If you're lucky, he'll throw somebody out of there. I once waited at the
bar for a half hour. It wasn't crowded and I was in plain sight with my ten
dollar bill in hand. Couldn't order a fucking thing. Best time I ever had
getting ignored. You know secretly, he's really a nice guy. Then, I went to
the front counter and waited twenty minutes and nobody came. Yet, I'll be back
again and again. Don't fuck with The Top, and don't expect to be somebody
here. Just shut up and if you get something out of there, say thank you and
feel lucky. One more note; they more often than not overfry their "Crabby
Patties" from the late night menu. But the Corn Nuggets are highly
recommended. They're like fried crack. Walter pours a mean drink, if you can get
it.
7. Satchel's
At the top of the pizza
chain, super-great salads, and a charmingly quirky hippie junk yard
environment.
8. Liquid
Ginger
This is a great place for lunch. For
around 8 bucks, you can get sushi quality seared tuna, a salad, a spring roll,
rice and soup. Order it medium so you'll get it rare. If you order it rare, it
will be swimming. Dinners are uniformly good. Lunches vary from day to day.The steak dinners rock. The
specials rock. I still think it's a bit over priced for dinner, but go
on 4 dollar martini night and make up the difference. Speaking of... I
had this wacky Martini: Tao-Tini. It sounds so gross... Stoli Vanilla, Sweet
& Sour, and brown sugar muddled with Thai basil. Let me tell you, this
thing made me hard. Order your steak Medium Rare, if you have any balls.
9. Sushi Matsuri
The rice is uniformly
excellent. The fish is fresh. Charming little place. They have a downtown location that's not quite as special but still recommended.
10. Emiliano's
Mostly, it's great. The
desserts always get a high five. They are outstanding. I recommend the
Sundowner's Special from 5 to 7pm: Two for One Sangria and discounted tapas.
Sometimes there's live music. I notice there is an over abundance of garlic in
some of the dishes. Tone it down a little, I say. And I love garlic. The scallop ceviche used to be
better years ago. I think they switched from the larger more difficult to afford
sea scallops to the smaller bay scallops. The art on the walls is magnificent.
Great new restaurant design and ambience. I hear wonderful things about their
Sunday brunch. The Paella is awesome. The artichokes are divine. I recommend
the Paella and for lunch, & the Atlantic Salmon with a curiously sweet
boniato mash and perfectly cooked asparagus!
Tom's Top 2 Near Misses
1. Dragonfly Sushi Co.
Sushi means,
rice. If the rice isn't right, the Sushi isn't right. From there, it's the
freshness of the fish and other ingredients. Sometimes the rice is good here
and sometimes it isn't. The service during lunch is spotty. Some of the
presentations of certain items, like the seared beef appetizer, are weak.
The best time to go and get this place at the top of their game is ironically
when they're slammed busy. The service will surprise you and the food is
generally good during their peak serving hours. Reservations recommend towards
the weekends. Get the rice uniformly perfect and it follows all other problems
will iron themselves out. Love the atmosphere and the owners are very
personable fellows. Glad this is a home grown business and glad of its huge
success. I want to put it on the A list, but I just quite can't. UPDATE: DRAGONFLY SUSHI MUCH IMPROVED. I STILL DON'T SEE WHY IT
TAKES HALF AN HOUR TO GET A TO-GO SUSHI ROLL. IN CHICAGO, YOU WALK UP, SIT
DOWN, AND THE CHEF HAS ALREADY SENT YOU A FREE APPPETIZER. YOU ORDER YOUR ROLL
AND HE SLAPS IT TOGETHER ON THE FLY IN ABOUT A MINUTE, AND THAT'S WHEN THEY'RE
BUSY.
2. Bistro 1245
"Gourmet Fare at Student
Prices". So they say. True for some items. Other items are just as pricey as
the big fancy places. I have had some great things here. The fish sandwiches
are a winner! The lamb was pretty darn good. Mostly, the crab cakes are
winners... mostly. Avoid the beef filet. They don't know how to cook a filet
as of my last visit. Sorry. And the quality of beef in that filet was not a
winner. The plating? Placing a filet atop mashed garlic potatoes is a smushy
idea. The squash bisque is very highly recommended. The chefs tend to
over-season. Let the ingredients shine. Bistro is a good choice to taste affordable wine and share food in a casual environment.
10 Food Related
Gainesville Experiences You Must Try
1. Chopstix
Food, from so-so to rough.
The sushi frightens me. Service... eh. BUT THE VIEW!!!
2. Burrito Bros.
Classic Gainesville.
These burritos are ordered from all over the country. It's next to a church
now. God bless Burrito Bros.
3. Leonardo's 706 Brunch
Buffet
An international buffet with dozens and
dozens of home made items. Drink mimosas.
4. Wine & Cheese
Gallery
Beautiful little hidden treasure. Dine
outside. Order the cheese plate and wine. Sandwiches! Go with the Le Chicken II. You will not be disappointed. The staff is extremely knowledgeable helping to choose and pair good wine.
5. Adam's Rib Company
Best ribs in
Gainesville. It's all good here. Hell, it's almost biblical.
6. Mr. Han's
A work of art. Set in a
dark 1980s room with a Raymond Chandler noir. The freshest Chinese. I have had the privilege of having the legendary Mr.
Han himself make me a Zombie (no pun intended). Then he said, "Fly
low." I heard an urban legend that Mr. Han used to poach the ducks from the man-made lake next door to the restaurant. You can't get fresher than that! Highly recommended!
7. Big Lou's Pizza (Downtown)
Great thin-crust pizza with great ingredients. Huge single slices and always a special in the afternoons. Outdoor seating with occasional live entertainment. They claim a New York style, and they come about as close as you can get in this town. So good, you'll eat the "pizza-bone".
8. The Jones Eastside
Classic Gainesville eating. Local atmosphere, healthy, and de-freakin-licious. A favorite, if busy, dinner and breakfast spot. Live local music and daily specials that simply rock. Eating here certifies you an official resident of Hogtowne!
9. La Tienda
Quite good Mexican food. About as authentic as you'll find in Gainesville. Wish the Mole was a little more...chocolaty. No matter...the chimichanga will put you in the food zone.
10. The Laboratory
Quirky, geeky, freaky, funtastic. Enjoy 'noise' bands, Intelligent Dance Music, Improvisors, and the Tom Miller Unspectacular Open Mic every Monday. (Yes, it's my show and a place I love, but I'll be fair in my review.) Gary is a true culinary scientist who manages to elevate the Nacho to Feynmanian standards using high quality in-house-prepared meats, specially concocted sauces, and a simple microwave. All caution and convention is thrown asunder and the 'reality of the moment' tastes pretty darn good. For dessert, try Tesla's Balls--made by an aggressively looney Russian woman with a fanatic appreciation of all things ball-shaped and delicious, these globes make your mouth happy. A craft beer or two is available and a number of quality brews stock their modest refrigerator. If they could decide on whether or not they're having wines and when they intend to be open, people may find an alternative spot to nest. They are slowly and sadly transitioning from 'scientific beakers' to plastic cups. They no longer wear the scientific gowns except on special occasions. Too bad. Also, the best of all trivia nights to be had in Gainesville. Rocking sandwiches with interesting advancements in chemistry.
DETAIL REVIEW
Puerto täg’wä
Puerto täg’wä is a quaint, charming little Colombian bistro specializing in gourmet French crêpes, arepas, and hotdogs. Yes, you heard right…Colombian hotdogs. However, the food is a step above ordinary, featuring fresh and artfully combined unusual ingredients that provide a mouthful of flavors to dance a little Reggaeton on your tongue. It is a new restaurant, and there are certainly a small number of kinks to iron out. Let us address those quickly. The crêpes, individually prepared on a high-end Equipex machine (not cheap) could use a little more heat on the fire and a little more water in the mix. They took a little too long and were a little too tough. A crêpe, certainly one identified as French, cooks completely in under a minute. They had these bad boys going for five or six minutes. They should be soft and delicate, not at all similar to the texture of a wheat flour tortilla, which these were. The Sangria ($5), freshly prepared but unfortunately, warm, was fine, with a few slivers of banana and bits of orange with a couple of big fat juicy orange seeds. I always say, “A seed is not a drink ingredient.” A quick chill, or…Hell…a little ice? Seed the fruit? Problem easily solved. Good flavors anyway, and strong.
Now for the good news. The place absolutely oozes over with charm. There are four distinct areas inside, each different in feel and décor. Wood is the theme, warm and inviting. Eclectic local art and jewelry is for sale and displayed on the walls. The enthusiasm of the staff was infectious, and one of the owners personally escorted me on a grand tour of the restaurant, which includes an outdoor area soon to feature live music. The patrons were lively and friendly, many Hispanics enjoying the food. One man, whom I asked how he was enjoying his meal, answered “enchanting.” They also feature half-baked savory pastry items (Pan de Bono, mini-arepas, savory treats) that they finish in the oven. This is not a place to go if you are in a big hurry. There is counter service, and everything is freshly made to order. Meats are prepared and pulled in house.
I ordered a French crêpe with a number of enticing ingredients including chicken, cheese, avocado, a sweet flavor (guava?), cilantro. Other than the tough wrap, it was pretty delicious. It was served in a folded square shape with an adornment of mini-cherry ripe tomatoes and a little piece of cilantro. Odd; they provided an imitation silver plastic fork (no big deal for a counter-style café) and a real knife. The plastic fork was spotless. The knife looked like someone made an attempt to polish it, and this effort was almost entirely successful. I recommend a real fork--or possibly instead, a matching plastic knife. Problem solved. When I began to eat, a server checked to see if I was enjoying my experience. When I finished, like clockwork, he returned to service my table. Impressive!
On a return visit, I tried one of the counter items; a savory ham in a crescent bread [quite similar to an empanada]. It was a satisfying snack all by itself, but I had to try one of the homemade sauces. “Krishna Sauce.” Would it taste like those people? It was a delicious concoction of nutritional yeast, Braggs Amino, almonds, oil, et al. Fucking Rocks! And they have a beautiful old-school Bezzera machine for espressos, not quite installed at the time of this writing, but great expectations await. Because they remembered me by name on my return visit, because I was treated like God (See Rule #2), because of the pure spirit of pleasing the customer going in, and because after a few tweaks, the food will be a consistent and unique knockout, I recommend you patronize Puerto täg’wä with friends, and take your time to relax and enjoy. More to come from this innovate friendly Columbian-style hide-away.
And For
Drinks...
1. Stubbies T-Shirt
Pub
Hide-away beer joint originally disguised as a T-Shirt
store. Only the finest beers here. Knowledgeable staff. Try beers you've never
tried. Ask for recommendations. I don't think anyone really buys the T-shirts.
Stubbie's and Stein's, a restaurant and drinking expansion of Stubbie's Shirt
Pub now lives next door with the same offerings, plus traditional German
offerings for dinner. Heard great things and have great expectations from
Stubbies and Steins. They are often packed to the rafters. That's a good sign.
2. Wine & Cheese
Gallery
Friday happy hour. Lively, friendly
& fun. Wine tastings on occasion. Go to them.
3. Lillian's
Happy Hour
Find Tom, the silver-haired well
dressed bartender and enjoy classic Gainesville and the absolutely BEST
martini you'll ever have in a casual setting. Smoking permitted... even
cigars.
4. Volta
Coffee Tea and Chocolate
Welcome to the neighborhood. I'm
thinking the best coffee in town here, because they care. Great chocolates,
desserts, quiche, but the focus is coffee and tea. The baristas here make the
Starbuck's baristas look like shit. Highly recommended!!! SERVING MACHA, THE TEA CEREMONY TEA! NOBODY ELSE
IS DOING THAT IN TOWN. NOBODY.
5. The Bull
Great Gainesville establishment that is truly borne of Hogtowne sensibilities, with nice wine selection, craft beers including the local super-beers from Swamphead. Artsy atmosphere, cozy, with live coffeehouse-style music that verges on good to awesome. Stellar coffee.
6. Loosey's Downtown
Living in the shadow of the once great Market Street Pub, this new take on the British Pub is picking up steam with a food menu and craft beers. The beers are now flowing out of a new, proper, and clean tap system. Enthusiastic servers, live entertainment including Karaoke and local and regional bands, and pretty decent pub food. The hamburgers are great here and you'll have a good time. Outdoor seating in a wrap-around patio.
7. Maude's Cafe
Next to the Hippodrome State Theatre with one-dollar refills of free trade organic coffee, sandwiches (breakfast and lunch), and rich desserts. Maude's Cafe is the known center of the Universe.
Special Mention...
1. Ivey's Grill
Slow service, extremely
crowded for a small place, and the best Eggs Benedict in Gainesville. A great
choice for breakfast.
2. The Lunch Box - Downtown Plaza, Gainesville
This wacky wonderful little place is set smack dab in the middle of the Downtown Gainesville plaza as a tease, I guess, for the many homeless and hungry who gather to watch patrons sipping beer and wine and noshing on some pretty great food. Outdoor seating which allows for smoking if you please, with serious corndogs, pulled meat sandwiches, and other great fare. Local Swamphead Beer on tap for those who appreciate quality. The thing to get here (and they better not stop selling it as they've threatened to do, or I'm gonna' be super pissed off) is the avocado fries. That's right, kids; avocado slices lightly breaded in corn meal and dipped in a healthy smathering of boiling delicious oil. Tell your arteries to fuck off and die. It's worth a heart attack to eat these things. Served with a nice spicy aioli! Now featuring local musical acts every so often. And some not so musical.
DETAIL REVIEW: SMOKE HOUSE
Intro: A little bit about me--I truly want restaurants to succeed. Though I throw down a super-critical eye, I'm really not asking for much. If I pay thirty-forty dollars, I expect good food and service. That is really what this page is all about. It's amazing to see how many restaurant owners spend a fortune designing a great space, spend countless hours in the permitting process, brand themselves with support materials, advertising, web pages and the like, and then serve up bullshit. It honestly does not make any sense to me. And that people continue to patronize places that don't have their game together is beyond baffling. Someone has to tell the truth. In this review, I intend to tell the truth of my experience at Smoke House, the new "gourmet" barbecue joint in downtown Gainesville. The truth is, it sucks. But I also intend to provide a way to take what should be an easy and great idea and make it work! The secret is at the bottom of this review. If you own the place, just try my advice and don't be bitter. The truth hurts, but it's good for the soul. Let's begin...
Review: Typically, one does not expect to see the words "gourmet" and "barbecue" combined. It somehow doesn't ring true. Nevertheless, expectations were high for me. Downtown needs a decent barbecue house, and if looks are to be believed, the promise of such is offered by an artfully designed exterior and the word, "gourmet": a person who cultivates a discriminating palate for the enjoyment of good food and drink.
I walked into a comfortable and well-designed room to a unmanned greeting station. Two minutes, and a very nice hostess finally noticed me and sat me at a center table. She mentioned some specials including a cocktail, "Peach Squash". There is a stage here for live acts which I understand happens on the weekends. The music [a bit too loud] was real-deal Blues and the best part of the whole experience. Muddy Waters, Howlin' Wolf...serious Blues, my friends. A short time later, the waitress arrived and I placed an order - a two-meat deal (ribs/chicken), two sides (green beans and 'smoked' corn), and "Texas" toast. All this for $13.50. Gourmet pricing, but hey, I'm paying for service and atmosphere. It was a twenty minute wait, during which time I ordered the "Peach Squash". I noticed it wasn't very smoky inside and wondered if they barbecue off site. The menu claims they use a custom 14 foot all wood smoker and the flavors of hickory and pecan.
When the drink came, it was garnished with a mint sprig which was brown around the edges and had some rot holes. And what that means is that the mint muddled in the glass is of the same quality. Here's the drink: Muddled peach, 'fresh sour', mint, dill, whiskey. It looked and tasted like the top layer of sediment from a pond. On the drink menu, they make a big deal out of a claim to make "fresh sour". The 'fresh sour' is using real lemons/limes instead of a bottled sour with 'foaming agent' in it. Fine, but a true sour uses egg white. (-click- for details). They don't. So why bother with the 'fresh sour' deal? Fruits should be fresh anyway, at least fresher than the mint. So it's clear the bartender has never thought about bartending skills, tasting the drinks, combining flavors properly, et al. Twenty-five years in the profession, I think, gives me the credibility to say, pond water. Whatever high quality brand of whiskey used in this concoction was dishonored.
In disappointment, I looked down and wondered why there was an oil candle on the table. It wasn't lit on my, or anyone's table. The food arrived in nifty modular plates. The waitress says, "I'll be right back with some silverware so you can eat that." She returns a moment later with a red cloth napkin rolled around the utensils. I roll them out of there and thus breaks rule #4. There couldn't have been more soap spots on the silverware if they had put them on intentionally. Really, is it too much to ask that someone take just a few extra seconds per dinner guest to wipe/polish the motherfucking silverware? Really? I know most people in Gainesville are fine with soapy food. I'm not into it.
The restaurant was lively, about forty people dining. They might have used another waiter, or the few there could have been more skilled. They were 'in the weeds' as we say, running with pained expressions and apologies. I had plenty of time to observe this because the 'gourmet' barbecue took a long time in coming. So let's talk about the food. Ribs, dry and tough. Corn, dry, chewy, and not 'smoke' flavored. The beans, properly cooked with some snap (and cooked with meat, for all you vegans), would have been good if they had any temperature. They were cold. The chicken, looked like Tyson's cut&ready chicken and was tepid. Everything was bland. I figured the sauce must be the thing here. I had a caddy with four sauces (all pretty tasty, by the way). I picked one out and squeezed the plastic container. Nothing came out of the tip, but lots of sauce came out of a damage-hole in the back of the bottle and all over the table. I asked the waitress for napkins and new sauces. She apologized, and brought me a stack (about thirty) cocktail napkins and left it there so I could clean up my mess. She never did, despite a promise to do so, return with a new sauce caddy. After ten minutes, she did however pass me with a new sauce caddy she was bringing to another table. In passing, she gave me a look that said, 'God am I in the weeds'. And then there was the 'Texas' toast...
When I think 'Texas Toast', an image comes to mind: A double-thick slice of toast bathed in butter and garlic, seasoned and grilled. What I got was a poor flabby piece of Wonder bread, unevenly toasted with zero garlic and zero butter flavor. It looked like it wanted to be Texas Toast, the way a butterfly wants to be an auto-mechanic. Poor floppy impotent sad squashed down little thing. Maybe that was the 'squash' missing from my drink, because someone squashed this pitiful toast down razor thin in the middle. (See Bobby Flay's simple Texas Toast recipe). I mean how in the fuck of creation can you dick up buttered garlic toast in a 'gourmet' restaurant? Now they have broken rule #1 and #5.
Here is how to immediately solve the issues and turn this place into a winner instead of a thorough disappointment: Make good food, serve it well, hire a bartender with skill, turn the house music down just a teensy notch, train up the staff, and wipe off the goddamn silverware. I truly do wish the place well and hope for the best, but every other rib joint in town beats these guys smokeless.
OUT OF TOWN REVIEW FROM WHICH GAINESVILLE RESTAURANTS CAN LEARN MUCH...
UP THE CREEK RAW BAR - APALACHICOLA, FLORIDA
Writing from Apalachicola, home of the world's greatest oysters. I can verify that is true based on yesterday's experience at the "Up The Creek Raw Bar". Featuring absolutely the freshest oysters, fish, clams, and ingredients, this place knows how to do it right. In an upstairs unassuming cracker house, the things that go on in culinary arts here include: The raw, the Bib-And-Paper-Towel-Podunk, and the truly gourmet. Chef Brett is a young no-nonsense true culinary master who is as adept at oil frying a chunk of gator tail as he is at preparing a delicate Florida lobster poached in butter atop a nest of Brussels sprout coleslaw in a light creamy mustard sauce (partly derived from the butter of the lobster poach) and topped with some kind of delightful crunchy onion straws. This strong appetizer offered everything anyone could ask for in the pantheon of taste, appearance, texture, color...it was absolutely glorious.
As bare and homey as this place looked, the silverware was polished! Not five minutes after we entered the place (and there were a good 30 people there), we had drinks on the table and two-dozen fresh shucked Apalach Oysters (I watched these proud masters do it) laid out before us in replete "nuidity"! They were the best oysters I have ever had in my life! The fried shrimp were delicately breaded and cooked to perfection, the egg rolls were bursting with flavor and crunch, the lobster and crab bisque was off the chain, and we were visited by no less than three servers, one manager, the owner, and personally by Chef Brett. Most of Gainesville's restaurants couldn't hold a candle to this experience, and that is sad.
The difference here is that before the thought of profit comes craftsmanship, pride in the work (all of it, from oyster shucking to the service to cleaning the bathrooms), and the satisfaction of knowing they have gone over and above all reasonable convention to please the customer. The chef couldn't have been older than twenty-five, but had already spend 6 years apprenticing under a number of quality chefs and at least one year under a protege of Thomas Keller, he who just happens to own one of the top restaurants in the world. All this in little ole Apalachicola. The forgotten coast will be anything but for this reviewer.
The Butthole Box... (Links will not be provided)
Checkers (University Ave. Location: Fucking horrible. Absurd service, poorly prepared fast food, they get the orders wrong, you may wait 20 minutes or more when there is nobody but you, even though there may be four or more people who are seemingly busy but in fact are accomplishing nothing. The restrooms are never available for the public and they lie and say they're broken. I wouldn't take my cat here to shit. You want good fast food? Try Mac's Drive-Thru! Please note Mac's 5-star rating.
Vellos Downtown: Absolutely the worst restaurant in Gainesville, hands down. Based on my lunch experience and for what they portend to be, horrible service, horrible food that looks like scraps picked out from leftovers, angel hair pasta that can't be cut with a knife, sauces that look and taste like they've already been eaten by someone else, no pro-bartenders, horrible drinks, and the atmosphere of an abandoned funeral home. The chef sucks, stuffs his face on the job with better food than you'll be eating. And those are the kindest things I can manage to say. The name sucks too, and the place is in insult to the man they purportedly claim to honor. Had a buddy tell me he's been there and had a veggie-flatbread that was "good". So what? Someone defend this joint if I just happened to be there on the worst day of their existence. I surmise quality control is anything but.
101 Downtown: Alleged to be a fusion restaurant, they fuze a frat/sorority dance club with a shitty restaurant. Admittedly, I haven't been there in a year and they keep surviving somehow, like the kind of tumor on one of those people you read about that gets to the size of a bowling ball before surgery. Maybe I'll go back again, but how many times do I have to eat shit before I finally give up and die?
Here's a nice article on the Gainesville food scene for comparison:
http://www.gainesville.com/article/20060802/MAGAZINE19/60731037
Here's a nice article on the Gainesville food scene from the student-run Alligator newspaper.
This is what the kids like: http://www.alligator.org/blogs/chompandchew/article_213101d0-06b1-11e1-94ef-001cc4c002e0.html
Tom's
To-Do List
Many new restaurants have opened their doors and many have shut down. Look for more reviews in the very near future.
Do you have a restaurant in Gainesville that you'd like me to review?
Did I call you out and now you've got your shit together and need a second chance?
Mail to: millerworks@hotmail.com
